workingfortheman.com

Things I did that were never listed in the job description:

Dressed mannequins in pantyhose and underwear because the store's prissy (male) assistant manager had a problem with naked mannequin legs and butts.

Raced up a descending escalator to catch a runaway baby stroller because the baby's mother ignored the sign about using the elevator instead.

Discovered the following in the dressing rooms: Pizza boxes; Chinese take-out cartons; Used disposable diapers; Underwear; Stolen merchandise from other stores; Beer bottles; Various bodily fluids.

Rousted customers trying on newly-arrived clothing in the freight elevator.

Accidentally dropped a 30 lb. Christmas wreath from the second floor while attempting to hang it over the escalator.

Spent 3 days affixing fake leaves to gigantic mutant banana plants while swooning from the toxic airplane glue fumes.

Intercepted a shoplifter carting off a huge display bottle of perfume, who was furious to discover that it was filled with colored water and who then tried to argue that it wasn't really stealing if it wasn't really perfume.

Called the paramedics for a woman who went into active labor in the Maternity Dept. (she had stopped off on the way to the hospital to shop for something nice to wear).

Saw two female co-workers get into a screaming argument about whose customer it was, while the customer fled for her life.

Dressed a mannequin entirely in belts and was chastised by Mr. Prissy for creating "some kind of X-rated bondage display" in Accessories.

Ironed approximately 800 tablecloths and napkins, 500 men's dress shirts, and 200 advertising banners.

Tied bow ties for 8 members of a wedding party who were sent over by the bride's frantic mother.

Was screamed at by a customer for not wanting to sell her some display items (a gigantic pencil, some huge ABCs, and a beach ball-sized apple) that she wanted to put in her kindergarten classroom.

Finally convinced management that our bathroom-fixtures display was a health hazard because somebody had peed in the bathroom-display toilet.

Was asked by Mr. Prissy to change the lingerie mannequin's outfit from a modest but filmy nightgown and robe set to flannel pajamas -- in August.

Remade the display beds at least once a day because people would plunk themselves down for a rest or a snack break.

Told 5,986 children not to play with the mannequins.

Told 2,649 adults not to play with the mannequins.

Reported a security guard for molesting the mannequins.

Was regularly asked (while perched on a stepladder, nailing up a display): "Do you work here?"

Inhaled from the helium-filled SALE balloons on a regular basis.

M.J. Anderson works as an office manager in a 3-person financial services office. She orders out for lunch, watches TV, e-mails her friends and writes novels -- all while on the clock.

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