Every year, every single one of us at Big Corporation
is required to take the annual survey. The survey is a
list of 70 statements to which we must choose a
response: Agree Strongly, Agree Somewhat, Disagree
Somewhat, Disagree Strongly, or Not Applicable/Don't
Know. The statements cover various aspects of the
company at several levels.
My manager's manager understands the concepts of the
Furkley Initiative.
Ah yes, the Furkley Initiative. I have received
brochures in the mail explaining the Furkley
Initiative and its importance to the future of Big
Corporation. I have watched a video explaining the
Furkley Initiative and its importance to the future of
Big Corporation. I have viewed a 4-part online
presentation explaining the Furkley Initiative and its
importance to the future of Big Corporation. I have
certified that I have read/viewed each of these, and
my certifications have gone into my permanent employee
record.
Big Corporation paid Big Consulting Firm a truckload
of money to come in and tell us that we could do
things faster and more efficiently if we would only
restructure our procedures in compliance with the
Furkley Initiative. This seems to involve a whole lot
of committees with cool names (one of my favorites is
the XFunc.Bus.Alignment committee). Some committee
somewhere is responsible for identifying and tracking
all phases (also with cool names) of all projects. It
is extremely important that we all recognize that the
Furkley Initiative is a cross-functional endeavor.
Unfortunately, I'm sure, the Furkley Initiative has so
far had very little effect on my job. Well, okay,
it's actually had none, but that's probably because my
job involves doing productive work.
But back to the annual survey.....
Once every single one of us at Big Corporation has
completed the survey, the results are tabulated, and
each department holds a meeting that lasts until the
department produces an Action Item for every survey
statement that did not get a positive response average
(Agree Somewhat or Agree Strongly).
My department provides 24x7 technical support, and
this meeting is the only time that we are all in the
same place at the same time, and it is the only time
ever that our phone goes unanswered. The meeting is
usually held at a restaurant of our manager's choice,
and, unbelievably, we are expected to pay for our own
meal. We are not allowed to consume alcohol. After
eating, we begin the process of coming up with an
Action Item for every statement that our group did not
answer positively. Note that there is no real neutral
choice among the possible responses. There is "Not
Applicable/Don't Know", but it counts as a
non-positive response. If everyone in the group
responds "Not Applicable/Don't Know" to a statement
(such as "I would sell my children to ensure success
of the Furkley Initiative"), we have to come up with
an Action Item for that statement. Bitterly sarcastic
Action Items are not acceptable to management.
So say that my group has a non-positive response
average to the statement "My manager does a good job
of communicating the information I need to do my job".
The group might come up with the Action Item: "My
manager will hold quarterly group meetings." My
manager writes down the Action Item and signifies that
he approves it; eventually it gets passed along to
his manager, his manager's manager, etc. It will not
be the case that my manager actually holds quarterly
group meetings. In the nine years I have been with
Big Corporation, there has yet to be an Action Item
that was acted upon.
Which brings us to the survey's inevitable 70th and
final statement: "Last year's action items were
addressed."
Well, they weren't, and they never have been. But if
the group fails to give a positive response to this
statement, we have to come up with an Action Item.
"The company will address Action Items" is not an
Action Item acceptable to management. My coworkers
are bright people, and we all realized quite quickly
that the only reasonable way to deal with this
statement is for all of us to "Agree Strongly". If
there were an "Agree Rabidly and Hope to Die if We
Don't" response, we would be thrilled to choose it, as
long as we didn't have to produce an Action Item.
In fact, we've learned that the most painless thing to
do is to "Agree Strongly" to all the statements in the
survey; the meeting ends far sooner, a lot of paper
is saved, and my manager is in a good mood for a
couple of days.
Incidentally, the survey is supposed to be anonymous,
but try being the one who doesn't complete it by the
deadline and see what happens.
Despite her never-ending whining, Laina will be
quite happy to continue working for the man at Big
Corporation until she retires. Laina Strongly Agrees
with the Furkley Initiative.
Back to the archives.
Return to the main page.