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Sherry Amatenstein writes for a bunch of women's magazines. I learned of her work after noticing some of her postings in the bulletin board section at mediabistro.com seeking sources for several relationship-oriented stories she was working on. These postings stuck out in my mind because I've always believed that lots of the quotes in women's magazines, such as Glamour, are fake. The quotes are suspect because they're usually pretty outrageous or highly personal, and are attributed to women identified by first name only - "Maxine, lawyer, 29." Seeing Sherry tracking down sources made me think she would be a good person to ask about this issue, and to get some insight on the work involved with writing these sex and relationship type stories. Once we made contact, I found out that Sherry is also iVillage's Dating Doyenne. In this role, she provides relationship advice and facilitates a web dialogue on dating and relationship issues. She writes about things other than sex and dating, but we focused our questions on the sex stuff. Of course.

What are some of the more outrageous sex and relationship stories you've written for women's magazines?

One of the funniest stories of this genre I've written was for Marie Claire: "Guess Who Took Out These Personal Ads?" The hook involved finding out who places ads like "Courtney Cox Twin;" "GQ Model Look-alike?" I "answered" those kinds of ads, telling the people who placed the ads that I was a journalist for Marie Claire, then we ran their ad, their photo and my interviews with them detailing their adventures in the personals. The interviews were hilarious. For instance "Great Body Going to Waste" (in her case, there was truth in advertising), said stuff like, "I sure can't go by the way these guys describe themselves. Every man thinks he has a great body - and a big dick."

Many of these sex and relationship stories, in general, contain outrageous, personal comments ("Cheating on my boyfriend was the best sex I ever had, especially when he was right in the next room!"), and then are attributed to "Alexa, attorney, 27." There have been stories in magazines like Brill's Content that say some of these quotes are fake, or are altered. I've seen you post to newsgroups looking for sources for particular stories, so you obviously get real quotes from real people - but what are your thoughts on the issue of fake quotes being used? Is this something that you know happens on a regular basis? Are some women's magazines notorious for using fake quotes?

The stories I write quote real people. The proof: often their photos appear with the stories. Some magazines do use fake quotes. I think a short made-up anecdote or two to illustrate the point of the article (i.e.: having sex without protection is dangerous) is okay. But if the piece involves an extensive interview with someone on a very personal issue it's misleading to conjure up a person and you won't get good material because it doesn't stem from the heart but from the writer's imagination.

How do you find your sources for the sex and relationship type of stories?

By "nicely" pestering everyone I know.

I also post all over the internet at appropriate sites and message boards and occasionally take out newspaper ads. I also occasionally am referred to appropriate subjects by their psychologists.

Why do you think people agree to talk about the intimate details of their sex lives?

Well, I'm asking them to talk about their favorite subject -- themselves. And I'm a very empathetic (non-judgmental listener). Some people have told me afterward being interviewed felt like a good session at a shrink. Talking about themselves also helps them figure things out.

In addition to writing for magazines, you are iVillage's Dating Doyenne. How does one become a "love and relationship expert"?

It was happenstance. I wrote an article about the outrageous things people do to meet a love partner, was asked to appear on a talk show to discuss it (Montel), producers from other shows saw me and started asking me to be on their shows as a "relationship expert."

I am not a psychologist. I thought it was so nutty that all of a sudden my opinion on matters of the heart was sought out. An ex-boyfriend's mother was channel surfing, got to Geraldo, saw me being promoted as this relationship guru, and said to herself "that's not a love expert, that's David's ex-girlfriend."

These experiences led me to wonder who gives better advice: the credentialed "experts" or "experts by dint of real life experience." The premise of my upcoming book, The Dating Question and Answer Book: Answers to the Thorniest, Sexiest, Most Intimate and Revealing Questions about Love, Sex, and Romantic Relationships, to be published in August by Adams Media, is that I pitch questions to a dating panel composed of both factions to see who gives better advice.

What are some of the most common questions you receive for the Dating Doyenne column? My guess is "We had such a great date. Why hasn't he called?"

Why hasn't he called is a biggie, of course. But what I often see is people crying out to be loved, people whose self-esteem, indeed, whose identity, is wrapped up in whether or not someone loves them. What I try to do is help these people realize they have to love themselves first, last and always, and that having good self-esteem will help keep them from falling into unhealthy, un-nurturing relationships.

iVillage is a site for women, but do men write in as well?

Definitely. The "Dating Doyenne" message boards are filled with men and women helping each other understand each other. It's a great on-going dialogue. I'm a part of it, but the boards are primarily about the community helping each other.

When you get asked, "Why are men such dogs?", how do you respond?

What is the best date you've ever been on?

I don't think I've had a "best date." I've had wonderful dates, some of which have led to wonderful relationships. I've learned from them all. I always say not to put too much pressure on a date. You're spending time with someone, not auditioning a potential husband.

Do the men you date feel an extra sense of pressure because you're the "Dating Doyenne?"

No. They see me as a woman, not as THE woman.

Do you ever say to yourself, "How would the Dating Doyenne handle this?" with regard to issues that come up in your own personal life?

No, but friends do treat my opinion on their love lives with more respect than they used to before I became officially sanctioned.

What's the best advice you've given to someone who is struggling in the dating scene?

Again, not to wrap their self-esteem in someone else's opinion, never to let anyone treat them with anything but respect and dignity, and to realize there is value in every relationship you have. Not to get too "new age-y, spiritual" but here's part of the response I gave someone who was wishing she'd never met her ex, because the breakup was so painful:

"As I muddle through life, I try to get value from everything that 'befalls' me. For example several years ago while trying to cross a street I was struck by a car. I suffered permanent injury to my left ankle and certainly rethought my prior assumption that I was invincible. Yes, if I could redo that moment, I would not be at that corner when that driver came barreling along. Yet, I don't regret the accident. For it taught me a lot about my body, my heart, my soul and what truly matters to me.

"I am grateful for those relationships that caused me such pain because they also taught me the greatest lessons. I believe everyone comes into our life for a reason, although without honest and yes, often painful, self-analysis we cannot always ascertain what that reason was. As the saying goes, you get what you need, not what you want.

"My best advice: try to assess the relationship's impact on your psyche, rather than obsess about the man who didn't meet your expectations."

Who is the best television host - Geraldo, Montel, or Leeza (and don't say they're all great)?

I don't really have an opinion on this. I'm a journalist, not a TV host. I've written on topics ranging from street kids in Rio to a cover story on Steven Spielberg and his video history foundation, Survivors of the Shoah (which records testimony of Holocaust survivors.) Yes, I write lots of relationships stories too but everything I work on I do with integrity and hope there is something of value that can be gained by the reader.

Click here to pre-order a copy of Sherry Amatenstein's forthcoming book, The Dating Question and Answer Book: Answers to the Thorniest, Sexiest, Most Intimate and Revealing Questions about Love, Sex, and Romantic Relationships.

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