workingfortheman.com

All newsrooms have a fax machine. Most newsrooms have a fax machine that utilizes regular 8.5" X 11" sheets of paper. But our newsroom wasn't so lucky. Our publisher, a moron, bought a fax machine that utilized fax paper that came in a roll. Let me explain why this was a problem: once the roll paper is spit out of the machine, it curls back up. The faxes, usually more than one page, roll all over the place. It's impossible to keep faxes with more than one page (and they're always more than one page) together.

Why did I care so much? Because I was the asshole who had to gather up the faxes all day long, staple the appropriate pages together, and pass them out to the designated reporter. That's right. I was the lucky news clerk boy in charge of this and other similar important duties.

The pile of faxes was the worst in the morning. There may be no one to answer the phones after a certain hour in the newsroom, but the fax machine never sleeps. It's 24-hour access to the reporters. The fax machine pumps out faxes and spills curled-up paper all over the table and floor all fucking night.

I'd rush into the office at 7:30 a.m., and the first thing I'd have to do is gather up the mess. It would take about 15 precious minutes just to put the correct pages together. I say precious because this was an afternoon paper, and the deadline was at 9:30 a.m. Getting the faxes together was one of many important tasks I had to complete before 9:30. Without a doubt, one of the reporters who had been "expecting a fax," had already rifled through the pile before I arrived and mixed up the mess even more.

After I actually put all the faxes together, I then had to figure out who was supposed to actually receive the individual faxes. Often times the fax cover sheet would simply be addressed to "editor," there would be no cover sheet at all, or the name on the cover sheet would be someone who moved on three years ago. Of course, the editor didn't have time to sort through a stack of curled up faxes and then walk around the newsroom passing out the goods. It was my job to make the decision and pass out the faxes. Sometimes it was easy, like when the fax contained the score from a football game. That obviously went to the sports writer covering football. But who gets the story about the local donut shop's acquisition of a fully automated, high-speed donut hole maker? At a small paper, you never know which reporter will want to tackle a story like that.

What information is contained in these faxes? Absolutely nothing important. Not once did a fax containing pertinent information come over the fax machine. It's all clutter from public relations people. Retired people, usually the ones who watch CSPAN all day, also send their share of faxes in the form of letters-to-the-editor. I have to admit that I didn't mind the letter-to-the-editor faxes. One, they were usually mildly amusing, and two, I didn't get a phone call from someone just following up to make sure we received their fax.

"Good morning, Daily Californian newsroom."

"Good morning," the PR flak would say a little too cheerfully. "I just wanted to make sure you got the fax I sent over."

Of course, I never actually checked to make sure a fax had arrived.

"Yes it did," I'd pronounce with authority. "Thank you very much for the information." I'd try to convey a polite disgust with my words, but I always knew it would have little affect on a PR person, even if they were picking up on the subtleties of my hatred for their role in the news cycle. These people can repel even slap-in-the-face negativity with their phony smiles and firm handshakes.

I mean, here's an industry that is paid to represent clients and make sure its clients "look good," no matter what the circumstances. Yet, the PR industry as a whole is absolutely detested. Not just by reporters, but by anyone who has a half-way decent understanding of what a public relations firm does. Every once in a while you'll see some PR agency that has a few million in billings get profiled in a business magazine. In these profiles there's lots of talk about how public relations has changed, that it's all about networking and bringing people together. That's a load of crap. That's spin from the spinsters. It's about pretty faces, nice suits, lots of press releases (and follow-up phone calls, of course) and an understanding of sound bytes just in case a client happens to sell e. coli infested beef and kills some little kids.

Despite this overwhelming, universal hatred of PR firms and PR people, especially in newsrooms, all across the land, the PR firms are extraordinarily successful at doing what they do. And it really does start at the fax machine. Public relations firms, the internal public relations departments of all kinds of companies and corporations, public interest groups, charities, and politicians, especially politicians, and many others use the fax machine to alert the news media of their "news." It's quick, cheap and easy.

You would not believe some of the bullshit that would spit out of the fax machine. Most of it came from politicians. Of course.

Politicians are concerned with one thing: getting re-elected. The more a politician's name is mentioned in the paper, assuming it's not for molesting little children, the better. That means lots and lots of press releases from politicians. And there's no short supply of politicians in this country. Most people, when they think of politics, think of the president, and a handful of senators usually well-known only because they spend a lot of their time bagging on the president.

But there are also U.S. Representatives, on the national level, as well as state senators and state assemblymen, not to mention governors, mayors, city council members, supervisors, school board members, insurance commissioners and more. Not that anyone could name their state senator, but he and his staff are working very hard to get your local paper a faxed press release about his heroic statement and vote with regard to an appointment on a state senate subcommittee that you didn't even know existed.

Towards the end of my time as the news clerk, when I got too busy in the morning, or maybe when I simply didn't feel like going through a bunch of lame press releases, I just took all the faxes and threw them into the recycling bin. No one ever said anything. No one ever cared. And while our newspaper always seemed to miss the big stories, it wasn't because we didn't get a fax. If I could have done it all over again, I would have taken a hammer and, when no one was looking, I would have opened up the lid and quietly dented a few of the fax machine's key components. No heavy duty slamming with the hammer. Just a few quiet and quick compressions. Enough to keep it from spilling out the steady stream of press releases full of empty words and fake quotes. Of course, if absolutely no one was around, I would take that hammer and slam the machine until it was nothing but bits and pieces.

Back to the archives.

Return to the main page.