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1. Sat by myself at lunch and smiled the whole time, you know, like I was all happy and crap.

2. Put a basketball under my dress and walked around pregnant, and then the next day arrived sans ball. (Hint: This one didn't work as well as expected for me due to the fact that I was "pregnant" on Halloween.) However, a comb-over, name of Les McBride, commented on how he liked the simple choice of "Mother to Be" as a costume. Truth told, he kinda sorta creeped me out a little.

3. Wore a bra on my head and a hat on my breasts. Then quipped all day: "Do you like my hat rack?" I spoke not of the bra. I felt like that might be crossing the line.

4. Masturbated at the front reception desk. All you need are two rubber bands, a paper clip and a Dido CD - and it's hands free, Sally!

5. Created a makeshift shrine to Justin Timberlake and placed it on top of my desk for all to behold. Alex Mendez, from contract employee payroll, added his favorite picture of Justin. Alex snappily tapped my left hand and said he was glad that there was someone else working here who "got it." You gotta like Alex.

6. Wore a smart outfit, straight out of the forties, smoked menthol Virginia Slims at my desk, called all the gents "Sailor" and all the gals "Sal."

7. "Accidentally" tucked skirt into tights. Then proceeded to walk around displaying new thong and smashed buttocks to all who dared to gawk. FYI, it was an hour before anyone informed me of my "faux pas." BTW, if you're feeling "stuck," this maneuver will make you feel all sparky again: ATM, is a magical box with numbers, that, when pressed in a certain sequence, gives you cash!

8. As people walked by my desk, I grinned and said: "God told me to tell YOU to have a nice day".

9. Brought in an Angelfish in a glass bowl. Put a small placard in front of it, naming the fish: "Lunch." Passersby thought it to be a funny and cute name. Then, later, I speared the little, gilled sucker with a medium point, blue-ink pen (difficult!) and proceeded to cook it at my desk with my trusty Bic lighter (fast!). Lightly salted, it was tasty, however, a little bony and not very filling. Alex no longer speaks to me. "I thought you were someone totally different than who you are." Turn. Stomp. Storm. You gotta like Alex.

Frayn Masters' writing has appeared in eye~rhyme and Little Engines. Smart Cookie Publishing will be releasing a book of her wanton short stories later this year and she is part of the totally fuckin' sweet group Haiku Inferno.

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