workingfortheman.com

To: EH; DT; MK; secpool2

From: KJExAsst1

Subject: Private E-mail Clarifying A Job Posting

Hi Ladies -

This e-mail is in response to the numerous inquiries I've had since the posting came out for an ExAsst1, which in plain English means Executive Assistant to the Big Guy - namely my job. Yes, I'm transferring - that is, Jack's transferring, and I'm going with him (always follow both your heart and your furniture). I know a lot of you are thinking about applying, and there are plenty of questions all of you want to ask, but you haven't been able to catch me in between sick days (hey, it's use it or lose it time, as we all know that ice cold bitch in HR's policy of Hell No You Can't Take It With You), so I hope this e-mail answers some of your questions.

You might be wondering what the difference is between an executive assistant and an administrative assistant, and that's a good question. Here's the answer: You get more money and a bigger desk and better equipment. It doesn't get anymore complicated than that. But hey, if you have to look at a monitor all day (you will do this a lot, because it makes you look busy), it might as well be 19" across.

You will need to keep confidences in this position. People will seek you out at your desk and confide in you for several reasons: a) they secretly want the information they tell you to make it to the Big Guy's ears, but lack the courage to face him themselves; b) They appreciate your ability to keep information confidential (i.e., it isn't always the brightest people who will seek you out); c) Of all the people in the organization, you are the only one they can think of who is never allowed to leave her desk for more than five minutes, therefore the odds are good that the information they reveal isn't going anywhere; d) your desk is the closest resting point outside the restrooms, which are always in use, as the next set of restrooms are five flights up.

Recognize confidential information when you hear it. Repeat to the Big Guy only that information you believe he should hear. Learn what is repeatable, and what is not. When Dolores P., that ice cold bitch from HR, confides she's three months late on her cycle because she went to happy hour with the IT supervisor and that's the last thing she remembers aside from waking up in a rather nice condo on the lake, that's not repeatable. When the IT supervisor confides he needs more money in order to afford his lakeside condo, that is repeatable, and the sooner you can get it to the Big Guy's ears, the better. (We all know Dolores was a changed woman for a few days after that night, and it's performing a service for the good of the company if we do our part to insure that her happiness continues).

Accept the fact that everyone will assume you and the Big Guy are sleeping together. This is the only explanation they can come up with for why your desk is as big as it is, and your computer is upgraded every 18 months. Of course you are not sleeping with him, but do not try to explain this to people, because they'd never understand the truth: Your computer is upgraded every 18 months and your desk is beyond big for the same reason your boss drives a BMW convertible. Appearance is everything, practicality is nothing. This is why you will only effectively utilize 1/10th of the desk space available to you, and your boss will never make it to work on time when it snows.

You will hear that you must have knowledge of the company's core goals and directions. This is not true. Nobody knows what the company's core goals and directions are. All you need to know is that if it makes money for the company, it's a good thing. This is because more money for the company means a bigger bonus for your boss. Therefore, the proper comment to make on any proposed development is simply, "Is this a win-win?", which nobody will understand but everyone will hear and nod sagely at, sensing vaguely it has something to do with how many credit cards they will be able to pay off after the holiday bonus is distributed.

You will hear that computer skills are required. Before you get all stressed-out about words per minute and the fiasco that ensued the last time you tried to design a spreadsheet, let me say that if you can log on and log off a computer, you're possibly overqualified. The direct line for the IT department is programmed on the speed dial. Use it liberally (this may also help the supervisor justify his request for more money). As for typing speed, there are only about three words spoken per minute in most dictation sessions that are worth remembering, so the ability to transcribe and/or type beyond that pace will be sadly underused.

And now, the best for last. You might be wondering about perks and bennies. You may have heard you will be receiving longer lunches, bigger Christmas gifts, and regular bonus checks. This is a myth I'm sorry to crush, but crush I must. The truth is, you will go to lunch when you can find someone to cover your desk who's not afraid to sit outside the Big Guy's office for forty-five minutes (This has been difficult. Thanks for nothing, Ladies), the biggest Christmas gifts will be those you buy on his behalf for other people in the company, and the only thing regular about the bonus checks is their ability to dwindle.

But hey, the desk is nice. I mean, it's really, really BIG!

K. Jennings is an executive assistant (read: overpaid secretary), a former feature writer for two newspapers in Utah (read: spent a lot of time trying to make ice cream exciting), and has published both fiction and nonfiction (read: still plastering my office walls with clips two years old).

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