workingfortheman.com

He stands almost statuesque in the doorway of my cubicle. His eyes are focused on mine in an unblinking stare that I can not break. Fear clouds over my heart and I begin to sweat. I have been targeted for...

HERMANATION!

He begins to speak.

"...so then he said, 'you'll need two coats of driveway sealer if you want this to seal correctly.' That's when I said, 'No way I'm gonna pay, blah blah blah blah blah..."

In truth, Herman is a really nice guy. Quite unlike many of the back-stabbing, worthless idiots that are employed here, Herman actually works. Herman isn't catty. If Herman says he'll do something, then by gosh it gets done! Herman's only real fault is that he can talk--for hours--about the most boring subjects you can possibly imagine.

I have a look of desperation on my face. The fight-or-flight instinct tries to take over. I don't have any lead pipes or grenades in my cube, so the "fight" part is out. As Herman is blocking the entrance of my cubicle, I can't easily run either. I glance at the cubicle wall. Hmmm... soft. I could distract him and maybe gnaw my way to freedom. A co-worker (Brian) notices my dilemma, he quickly goes into an empty cube and dials my number. As I pick up the phone, Herman leaves. "Is he gone?" asks Brian. "Yeah, thanks!" I say. We both hang up. Brian returns to his cubicle. I return to work.

The Hermanator is on the move. Scanning... Scanning... He moves to Brian's cubicle. Oh no! Got to save him! I dial Brian's number. His phone rings and he picks it up. Herman stops talking, and sits in Brian's chair. Brian and I try to wait him out. No good. The Herminator is patient. He will win any war of attrition. I hang up. It looks like it's all over for Brian. But then... wait! It's Misti, the silicon transplant recipient from Marketing! She glides over to Brian's cube. She is wearing her I-want-you-to-do-my-bidding outfit. It consists of a white silk shirt with about two buttons near the bottom and a short (yet barely professional) skirt. "Herman..." she coos. "Do you know how to change the printer ink thingie?" She flips her long brown hair over her shoulder revealing an ample amount of cleavage. "SURE!" Herman almost yells. He bolts upright and knocks the chair over. "OH! Uh... Sorry Brian. Uh... I'll tell you about this later." "OK!" says Brian. Probably not today though. This morning, I noticed a large number of boxes on Misti's desk that needed to be taken to another building and it's raining.

No_Key_Bandit is a Programmer/Analyst who has been oppressed by the man for almost 10 years. His cubicle is in the Southern United States. This is his third story for workingfortheman.com.

Also see:
Project Lifecycle
The Strategic Planning Meeting

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