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I know we might have gone over this before for you old timers, but for the first comers, lemme introduce myself. I'm Mary, the receptionist. No, you don't need to know my name, but you do need to know how to play the game.

How to Use a Phone

Goal: Smooth transitions to whom you want to speak to.

Here you go. First, pick up the receiver. Dial the number. Easy right? It's ringing. And ringing. And ringing

Rule #1: Always assume you are one of many callers, and you will not be picked up immediately.

Receptionist: Good Morning Blah blah blah blah blah?

You: Say the name of the person you want to speak to.

Receptionist: One moment.

You are transferred.

Done! You did it! Yay! You accomplished what you wanted to do: Move through the receptionist to the person who can best help you.

But wait. Did you do it EXACTLY verbatim the way I described? No. No you didn't. You went off on a tangent, and found yourself in Muddy Mudd Timewastingville.

Here's some ways this might have happened:

Problem: You don't know exactly who you want to speak to. You know what you want to ask, but you don't know who to ask for. So, you said, "Um, maybe you can help me." This was either preceded or followed by your name, your company, and what you want to know in very vague terms. You are now loathed by your receptionist.

Rule #2: Never give the receptionist your name before you ask her the real question. She doesn't care about you. Her job is not to care about you, her job is to connect, not hold information. If she needs your name, she will ask.

Rule #3: Have a reason for calling, in 10 words or less --INCLUDING "uhs." Do not blather on and on about "maybe you can help me" and proceed to give her the manuscript for your autobiography. Another thing: "Uhs" are not communicative. If you forget who or why you are calling, it IS actually better to hang up and dial again. This saves the receptionist from actually hearing your brain fart (here's where flashcards would be real handy).

Here's another common mistake:

For you, telemarketer. (This includes you who wants to sell ANYTHING and you don't know the name of the office manager, so you ask for the person on the masthead. Not knowing he's dead.)

Rule #4: Don't ask for the person on the masthead. Nine times out of 10 he's dead. The only way you definitely ask for the person on the masthead is when you've actually spoken to him before. In which case, you do not fall into this category.

You know what? I don't think I will even bother following through with this "for telemarketers" advice bit.

Rule #5: If you are a telemarketer: Quit your job. Better.

If you are asking for someone and you discover they no longer work there, refer to:

Rule #6: Do not ask for a forwarding number. As far as she knows you are their stalker. She won't give you the number if you say you are a dying parent. They usually don't give forwarding numbers to the receptionist anyway.

Rule #7: Don't ever EVER correct the receptionist. She can EASILY hang up on you. Even if she says, "Good NIGHT blah blah blah blah blah" at 7:30 in the morning, just breeze on. You are only going to piss her off if you try to show how smart and magnanimous you are by pointing out some insignificant error.

Finally, if she asks you to repeat some information, proceed to:

Rule #8: Don't give her attitude. YOU are the one who most likely mispronounced or didn't enunciate. Not the other way around. Just repeat, slowly -- not too slowly you bastards! I hate you guys who do that!

Thanks for paying attention here, I really appreciate it. If appropriate, don't be afraid to make flashcards.

Mary Jeys is a receptionist at a real estate company. Trust her, she answers the phone more than you.

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