workingfortheman.com

In an effort to effectively communicate true policy for the status of any project, the following Project Lifecycle explanation was created. It is a simple yet accurate portrayal of the series of events that happen during each phase of any given project.

Step 1: "Get New Project"
This is the most optimistic phase of the project. The team is assembled, the wildfire of rumors due to poor or non-existent communication has not yet started and sports analogies are used. The project leader will tell lies such as, "This project will be our biggest success," "All members of the team are equal," "All opinions are worthy of consideration," "The team will work together," "You were chosen because of the fine work you have done in the past" and "No one will be excluded."

Step 2: "Waste Money"
This is the phase of the project where software is purchased and consultants are hired. The software will be chosen based on how cool it looks and whether or not the project leader has gotten any kickbacks (i.e. trips to conventions, free apparel with the software's logo emblazoned in the front, and especially if the CEO can brag to his buddies at the country club that he is using the latest version. It should be noted that the old logic that you used as a kid -- "Everybody else is doing it!" -- applies. The same logic also applies to the consultants, although good looks and buzzword manipulation are the only real assets necessary. It's better to look like a supermodel or be a good public speaker than to have any tangible skills.

Step 3: "Project Failure"
Fear has begun to set in. This is the phase where all the attractive consultants, expensive hardware and cool acronyms are doing as much good as a Pez dispenser at the OK Corral. All due to the fact that project leader failed to consult with any technically proficient personnel (who just happened to already be on the payroll) or ask pertinent questions such as, "If I enter data, will the software save it?"

Step 4: "Blame"
This is where the project leader finds his real calling. Now that the project is swirling down the commode of despair, the project leader will go into high gear. Fountains of emails and stacks of memos written months ago will be conjured out of thin air as if Harry Houdini was back from the dead. These damming documents will state that the project leader has done all he could possibly do to make the project a success, it's just that the morons who were actually doing the work didn't follow his instructions.

Step 5: "Reflection"
Finally the project cycle of life will be continued. The wreckage of the last project will be cleared away, and a new project will begin. All will be well again for another few months and the workers who rode the rollercoaster of death will take a couple days of vacation all while promising themselves that they won't let this happen again. Although deep down they know they can no more stop this insanity that stop a live volcano from erupting.

No_Key_Bandit is a Programmer/Analyst who has been oppressed by the man for almost 9 years. His cubicle is in the Southern United States.

Back to the archives.

Return to the main page.