workingfortheman.com

"Make sure to mark your calendars for the annual strategic planning meeting!" the memo stated.

Other than wasting a day eating free doughnuts, I see no purpose for this meeting.

This is an annual event that the CEO puts on to make it seem like our ideas are really being heard and appreciated; so he can go back to doing whatever-the-hell he wants to while saying that [insert issue here] was addressed.

All of our little problems will be solved by a fifteen to twenty-minute power-point presentation. It's better to be a good speaker and have cool attention-grabbing graphics than actual relevant content in your presentation. Being that I am in desperate need of a new laptop, I'm thinking about hiring some exotic dancers with automatic weapons to give mine. Two years ago the entire event was marred by a presentation that consisted of two words on a brightly colored flashing background. This presentation almost caused a seizure in an epileptic member of the audience. It was cut short and we were told that from then on all presentations would be made using powerpoint only. So much for the exotic dancers.

The free food and beverages are the real draw to this event. I have noticed some unwritten rules of food in these meetings; specifically doughnuts. As the meeting progresses, people will get up, retrieve one doughnut and sit back down to eat it. This progresses until there is one doughnut left. That last doughnut may as well have anthrax on it. No one will touch it. Oh--there are always some lurkers, looking inside the box, looking around, realizing that if they take the last doughnut everyone will know. Then, finally, sadly going back to their chair and sitting down. Dejected, forlorn, life askew. No doughnut.

I think the doughnut companies ought to put a plastic doughnut in the box. Then whomever wants the last one can say, "Oh! I thought there was one left."

Then there are the coffee vultures. These are the people who circle the coffee machine waiting for some other schmuck to make some, then they swoop in, drink it all and leave. I've been thinking of installing a webcam focused on the coffeepot. Whomever takes the last cup of coffee and does not make a new pot will get his photo posted on the bulletin board along with some demeaning caption like, "child molester" or "doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom."

The meeting will last all day and awards will be given for the best presentation. I have a feeling that I won't be receiving the award this year as "Misti," the 26 year-old silicon-transplant recipient from Marketing, will probably neglect to wear undergarments for her presentation--again.

I suppose I can pass a roll of duct tape around the programming department to ensure a few more months of life on the laptops. I just hope they don't ask me to hold the door open when UPS delivers the new 50" plasma T.V. to the Marketing department.

No_Key_Bandit is a Programmer/Analyst who has been oppressed by the man for almost 10 years. His cubicle is in the Southern United States. This is his second story for workingfortheman.com. His first story, Project Lifecycle, can be found here.

Back to the archives.

Return to the main page.